Alfreddosauce~ // throwback thursday.

throwback thursday.

alright. so, i guess i’ll finally let this out. after hella long.. well, here i go. yeah, we were together for such a long time. well, not really, but i think it was pretty long. i loved you so much, and you know that. after all that shit that happened with your parents finding out about us.. it hit me, and i knew that in my heart that i couldn’t let you go through that hurt anymore.. i knew that even tho’ we were an hour and twenty-six minutes away, my words and not even my voice could make you feel better. what your parent did to you.. i swore to myself that i wouldn’t let them do that to you again because of me.. so i decided that i would let you go. i loved you so much, and i didn’t want you to go through hella bullshit for me anymore. you didn’t deserve it.. so i gave myself a month. i planned everything out just the way i planned. my plan was to make you hate me. i wanted you to think that i was the biggest asshole you ever encountered. i wanted you to think that i was the biggest mistake you ever made. your biggest regret.. all that shit. why? because i didn’t want your life to be a living hell because of me. back then, i realized something. “we’re still in high school”. i wanted you to have fun these four years, not get hurt and yelled at by your parents. so, i did the last thing i ever wanted to do. i forced myself to make you have reasons to hate me. i flirted with people on tumblr so that you could get mad. i gave you attitude all the time. i did hella shit on purpose so that you’d get my attention. as much as i didn’t want to, i made myself do it.. cause i thought that it’d be easier for you to hate me. the last time we met up.. i looked hella depressed and shit cause of what i was doing. in my head the whole time was “this is gonna be my last time with him..” you asked me what was wrong, and i just made a crappy reason up and said that i was mad cause your friends were there and i just wanted it to be us, and all that shit. that wasn’t true. i just made excuses up so i could hide the true reason why i was sad. that day.. when i left.. it was the saddest day for me. i died inside. i cried the whole night afterward because i knew what i was going to have to do. i had to let you go, not because i stopped loving you.. but because i didn’t want to see you being depressed all the time— and me being all the way over here and not being able to do anything about it. i didn’t want you to live a living hell. so i sacrificed our relationship for your happiness. i knew that you would get over me one day.. so that’s why i did this. i ended it after six months cause the longer we stayed with together the harder it would be for us to get over each other. a few days after our six months, i broke it off. and went straight to the philippines. i used that time to clear my mind and try to get over you as best as i could. i thought that if i fell in love with somebody else, i could get over you faster— wrong. but as time went by i’d see you with other guys, and it’d kill me inside. cause you were my everything. i gave you everything i had. seeing you with another guy made me feel shitty inside, but then i’d go back and remember that i only broke it off with you for you to find happiness somewhere else.. with somebody else. i wanted to leave you thinking that i just got over you like that— wrong. do you know how many guys i’ve talked to without thinking about you? and i’d be so tempted to try and get back with you afterwards too! ugh, that sucked a lot. as much as i wanted to say yes, i go back and remember that i only did this for your happiness.. i found out about you and your boy last summer, and that’s when i was truly happy for you. you finally found somebody x1000000000000 better than me. yeah, i cried, but that’s okay. i knew you’d find somebody! i’m thankful that he came into your life. he lives close by, makes you happy, and your parents don’t even know about you guys. he became your everything. he became everything i was. that’s what i was praying for when i broke it off. i prayed that you’d find somebody even better than me, but close by and even safer for you. it wasn’t till october of last year that i realized that i was truly over you. but hearing these old songs again.. make me miss everything. i unexpectedly fell in love with you not knowing the dangers of us being together. when i was your boyfriend, the only thing i wanted you to be was happy. i didn’t want you going through all that shit with your parents just so that you could share your happiness with me. so i thought deep and hard about it, and realized that you’d be even happier if you found happiness with somebody else who could actually protect you when your parents did something.. i’m happy for you. and after all this time i admit that i still love you. i always will. yeah, i still check up on you every once in a while. i still care, aha. but in the end all i want to say is that i’m sorry that i made you to through all of this shit because of me. but tell me.. wasn’t it worth it? the happiness that you have now? wasn’t all that pain you went through worth the result in the end? i bet it was.. so yeah. after two years, i finally let it all out. aha, damn.

POSTED 3 months ago ♥ 21 notes

♥ 21 notes